How To Deal With Your %&#$ So Your Kids Don't Have To #85

If you feel overwhelmed, snap more than you want to, or keep repeating parenting patterns you swore you’d break… this will explain why (and what to do instead).

Most parenting advice focuses on what to do when your toddler refuses to listen, has meltdowns, or pushes every limit. But what if the real challenge isn’t just their behavior, it’s what gets activated in you? In this conversation, we unpack why parenting can feel so triggering, how your own emotional patterns show up in daily moments, and how learning to regulate yourself can dramatically reduce power struggles, overwhelm, and reactivity.

What You’ll Learn:

•  Why toddler behavior feels so triggering (and what’s actually happening in your brain and body) 
•  How to stop repeating reactive parenting patterns, even if they’re deeply ingrained 
•  A practical way to handle emotions like anger, anxiety, or feeling rejected by your child 
•  What “emotional regulation” actually looks like in real-life parenting moments 
•  How to become the calm, steady parent your child can rely on, without being perfect 

This approach is grounded in developmental psychology and attachment science, but translated into something you can actually use on a hard day. It’s not about fixing your child, it’s about understanding yourself well enough to respond differently, even when things feel intense.

If you’re tired of second-guessing your reactions or feeling like you’re “messing it up,” this is where things start to get easier. Subscribe so you have clear, grounded guidance to come back to in those moments when parenting feels the hardest, and you want to handle it differently.


Check out Eli Harwood's book: How To Deal With Your ____ So Your Kids Don't Have To: An Encyclopedia For Ditching Your Emotional Baggage

Transcript

Why Parents Repeat Old Patterns

Jon @WholeParent 0:00

Many parents are stuck in patterns, cycles of reactive, emotionally dysfunctional parenting that they've inherited from their childhood. The real truth is that until they've done that work, until they've gone through those different emotions and learned what they can do when they feel them, they are going to keep repeating those patterns. Most of us want to change. We want to be better for our kids. The question is not whether we want it. The question is how are we going to actually achieve that goal? My guest today is Eli Harwood. She is known as the attachment nerd on social media. But she's also an incredibly gifted author who came up with a new book this week called How to Deal with Your Stuff So That Your Kids Don't Have To. It's an incredible resource for parents who are trying to cycle break, and she and I sat down to have a roughly 30-minute conversation about the book. In that conversation, we talk about why she wrote the book in the first place, how 19 years as a therapist has informed the perspectives that she brings in this book, why this book is not really structured like most books about healing yourself, or parenting, or secure attachment, the hardest parts of the book to write. And the one thing that she really wants every single parent to take away, who is in the midst of raising kids and trying to break cycles. This is my conversation with Eli.

Why Eli Wrote The Book

Jon @WholeParent 1:37

I am so excited today to have Eli Harwood, one of my very good friends, but also more importantly, the author of an amazing new book, How to Deal with Your So that Your Kids Don't Have To. Uh I'm so glad that you have the book up behind you because I searched this morning and I think one of a small little hand may have taken how to deal with your stuff. I tend to be a listener. So I tend to listen to all of the books that you that you put out, and so I'm excited to talk about this. Eli, why did you write how to deal with your so that your kids don't have to?

SPEAKER_02 2:16

I think one of the hardest parts of cycle breaking is you don't have the experience of a mature parent guiding you through the emotional terrain of your body and your life. And so you come into parenthood and you know for sure, I don't want to do what they did. That did not feel good. I don't want to do that. But the complexity of what our kids need from us and what has happened in our bodies in the past gets all mumble-jumbled in that moment. And it's actually much harder. It's it's just easier said than done. It is much more challenging to be a secure parent and to give our kids a secure experience than it is to say we want to do that or to say I'm not going to do what they did. So I wanted there to be, I'm calling it like a paper parent, like a little paper parent on the shelf that cycle breaking parents can take off that shelf when they are feeling a whole slew of different things. Um, and to be able to be like, okay, what is it that's happening inside of me? How can I understand it? What can I do? And how can I become more emotionally mature? You know, there's all these parents out there who read the book on, you know, your parents were emotionally immature, emotionally immature parents.

Jon @WholeParent 3:30

Adult, adult children of emotionally immature parents.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

Right. So you've you've read the book and you're like, yep, that's what I have. And I wanted to give a book to parents that was like, and this is how you become the emotionally mature parent. This is how you learn how to regulate and tolerate what you feel and understand what you feel so that your kids can rely on you. I also have spent the last 19 years helping people heal from insecure childhood dynamics with their parents. So I think just for my own need, it's like a need to put out in a book form. Please don't do these things. Please do these things instead. Because it's really been painful for me. I'm sure this is true of any therapist who's been doing this work as long as I have. It's painful to watch well-intentioned parents not know how to give their kids secure experiences and to muck it up with some of the their emotional baggage that they don't even know is there half the time.

Hope Without Parent Shame

Jon @WholeParent 4:26

Yeah. You know, what sticks out to me is this comment that I'm sure that you get all the time, which is I see all this great advice, but I just feel like a bad like just makes me kind of feel overwhelmed and feel like a bad parent. Would you write the book with that in mind? Because I know that that's a big deal for you and your therapy clients.

SPEAKER_02 4:49

Yeah, I mean, anything I write, I write from the perspective of I need this book. This is not a you're doing it wrong. Here's what needs to be fixed. I also really, really shy away from kind of catastrophic kind of views on the stuff. I I I'm a real hope junkie. Like, we can do this together. We can do this. We it can get better and we can work towards it. So, you know, if you're picking up this book and you're feeling anxious, I want you to read through that chapter on anxiety and go, okay, I can do this. This isn't so big and lofty. And also I didn't fail hugely. And there are ways to repair, and I can learn this process of regulating my fear for the future, which is what I explain anxiety is it's fear for the future.

A Read-It-When-You-Need-It Format

Jon @WholeParent 5:34

So talk talk a little bit about how this book is structured. When I got it in the mail, I opened it and I was surprised because it doesn't really seem like a book that you may and maybe I'm wrong about this, but that you read cover to cover. No, you feel more like a um a resource.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

I call it a read-it when you need it structure. And I also did this on purpose because I think if you're in the throes of active parenting and you're anything like me, your life is absolutely nuts. And so the time it takes to sit down and read, or even if you're listening to a book on Audible, which it's on Audible, you kind of need them to be in these little snippets and these little snapshots. Um, and all of our brains are being trained to look for small snapshots because of social media and you know the way that we're engaging information in in this time period that we're all in. So I also wanted it to be something that kind of matched that rhythm that we're all in right now. So you can pick up the book. So I I made it alphabetical. And there are 32 different topics in the book, and they are all things that I think are extremely common in the cycle-breaking parent experience and the parent experience in general, um, that many, many people find themselves experiencing without tools, without support. So you can you can open it up and you go, okay, how to deal with, oh, feeling rejected by my kids. Yeah, that's a thing I'm struggling with. You know, maybe your two-year-old always wants mom, or they always want the other parent, or they always want, you know, the nanny, even. Sometimes that happens for families. And so then I'm feeling rejected by my kid. How do I deal with this? Okay, I can just literally read that chapter. And I I kept the chapters between like four and six pages. I think there's a couple that made it to like eight pages, but I tried to keep it really short because I wanted it to be actionable. Yeah, I'm in this moment, I need help. Help me with this.

Jon @WholeParent 7:32

I think that that's so profound because I think as you just named, there's so much going on for parents. And my uh struggle when I was writing punishment free parenting, and I imagine your struggle when you were re writing raising securely attached kids was like and actually it's funny, I actually talked to your editor about this because I pitched I pitched my my next book to your editor. Yes. And one of the things that I talked to her about is like you wanna keep cutting out even when you have good stuff, because it's for parents. And so I really appreciate this structure, and and parents don't have time. I really appreciate the structure because you're really giving me 32 books, like 32 lessons that I can, and and there are gonna be lessons in there that are not for me. I already have through it. Yes, and I'm like, you know what? I don't actually struggle with that one. But then that's kind of nice, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:27

It's like a checklist. You know, you're like, oh, I'm gonna go through this. And you know, to anyone who looks through it and is like, oh crap, all 32 apply to me. Like, don't don't be hard on yourself. But for the for the average person, you're gonna look through the code.

Jon @WholeParent 8:40

I think there were I think it was maybe three that didn't apply to me. You know, I I don't think I don't think I was sitting there going, like, oh, look at this. I'm I'd only need three of these 32 chapters.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

Um but there will be things that don't apply. And and what a nice thing to kind of validate for you. I I think a lot of parents will read through these things and go, does this apply to me? And they'll read through the chapter and they'll go, Oh, actually I'm doing pretty good. And that's another thing I wanted to have happen for parents is to be able to go, you know what? I'm uh the problem here is not my how I'm dealing with this. The problem is a culture that tells me I need to deal with this perfectly. And I don't, you know, and that is one of the chapters too, how to deal with the perfectionism habit, because I think we're all dealing with that right now.

When Therapy Keeps You Stuck

Jon @WholeParent 9:24

You know, we I gotta get you back on the podcast someday to talk about my like hot take on therapy this these days. Oh, yeah. Which is which is that um we're gonna still be friends after this, I promise. Um I think a lot of people are using therapy incorrectly. And they're going to therapy and therapeutic environments to essentially just like live in dysfunction. Like they're there to just kind of rehash and talk about over and over and over like that bad thing that my mom did, or that bad thing in myself that I don't like. And they're not getting tools. And I I think about it kind of like, you know, everybody should have a doctor that they go to when they need help. They should people should do annual physicals, people should get regular blood work and get their colonoscopies done and you know, get their breast exams done, and all those things like that. That can all be true. But if you're going to your doctor religiously for 40 years and not getting better, like there maybe you need to pause. And that is something that I don't see in this book. I see this book as like, no, these are tools that you can move through. And I love what you talk about with earned secure attachment in your first book. I love what you talked about in this book, where it's like, I read the chapter on anxiety because that's one of the ones that I struggle with. And it's right at the beginning of the book, too, right? It was before I even realized what the book was. It might even be the first chapter. Is it the first chapter?

SPEAKER_01 10:54

It's does anxiety come before anger? A-N-G? No, anger comes before anxiety.

Jon @WholeParent 10:59

Okay, so I think I I think I hit anger. I think I hit anger. Anger is another thing that I struggle with. So I probably hit those two first before realizing how the book was structured. I think I just dove right in and wanted to just and I just like to devour books in that way. Like I start skimming immediately. And then I go, and then I go, okay, if this is worth it, then I'll get it on Audible and listen to it when I'm like parenting. Um, but when I was get when I got into that anxiety thing, I said, look, this is actually this is not like you have anxiety, you will have anxiety forever. This is like, no, here's how you work with your anxiety to move through it. And I don't think to be clear, I don't think that in the same way that I think that there's fundamentally broken systems within school for kids. I don't blame teachers for those fundamentally broken systems. I don't blame therapists for the way in which people are misusing like therapy or not misusing, but like not healing. But I just appreciated so greatly that this book is like, no, uh, you want us to heal. Like you actually don't you want you want me to like have this book on my shelf to go to when I need it, but then at some point, like not need it anymore.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Yeah, I want you to learn it, right? And right, and I think this gets tricky, right? Because we obviously don't want to be kind of in that space that I think can be kind of arrogant of like, you know, you're gonna like evolve to this place where like you don't need anything anymore. You're healed. However, on the flip side, I think what you're critiquing is this idea that people are perpetually healing. It's like, and my friend, I don't know if you know the outdoor um therapist, Zach Hazlet, but he talks about this as like a, you know, like what if what if you can hit a place where you're healed enough? You know, and and I, you know, that's been my relationship to therapy. I'm actually back in therapy right now because I needed to be back in therapy around some trauma stuff. But I like in general, like I take year-long gaps, years or two or more, when I'm like, okay, I'm in a place where I'm really am pretty regulated, secure in my body, in my nervous system, in my sense of self, my sense of worthiness. I'm gonna live my life. Right. Yeah. And so that that is always what I want for people. And like that therapy would be a tool and a resource. And if you are, I mean, there's so many variables with therapy. It's like, are you in the with the right fit person? Does that person have actual competency around what you need philosophically? Do they, you know, there's so many pieces to that puzzle. Um, you know, if someone's in therapy for years and years and years, that's not always a bad thing. Like that could be because they're actually doing really significant work and they have massive trauma. Their therapist is a great fit. It's working. And they're moving through these things, right? Like we handled this and now we're working for it.

Jon @WholeParent 13:42

Of like, is it getting better? Is it moving? And and versus like, I I would my first very first therapy session, we started working on this thing. I'm 25 years in. Yeah, you know, basically every time we just talk about that.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Well, I mean, I think what you're saying is like, you know, is it just an emotional dumping ground, right? Are you just coming in and you are complaining about your life and you're not taking any ownership or agency to make changes around the things you came in? Um, that doesn't work for me as a therapist. I'm like, you're not a good match for me if that's what you want to do.

Jon @WholeParent 14:10

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

Um, because honestly, I'm just gonna be annoyed.

Jon @WholeParent 14:12

That's the point. It's like it's I and I don't I I think we'd throw around the word narcissist, but that's that's a kind of like a profoundly narcissistic thing to do, right? To be like, I I would like to pay you to listen to my problems.

SPEAKER_02 14:24

Yes.

Jon @WholeParent 14:24

And make me do anything about it and just make me feel good about them.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

And validate me about my stuckness.

Jon @WholeParent 14:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

And validate me that there is nothing that can be done as opposed to help me see my ability to move through this, help me see my ability to make changes. So yes, this book is definitely not a um, here's why nothing is your fault, nothing is your responsibility book. This this book is here, here is what these things are inside of you, here are where some of those roots are, and here's how you can do

A Mother Who Chose Growth

SPEAKER_02 14:54

it. And you know, what's powerful in my life is that I had a mom who dealt with her stuff. So um, when I was nine years old, my sweet mama was on the brink of ending her life. And she had a voice in her head that said everyone would be better off without you. And it was a profoundly trauma-based voice. It came from lots of different, you know, injuries in her childhood. And she in the 80s, no, it was in the 90s. I mean, I say 82, I thought. Yeah, it was the 90s at this point. In the 90s, she's so baller. She opened up the yellow pages and found a psychiatric hospital, called my dad and was like, You need to come home from work. I'm checking myself into the loony bin. That's what she said to him. Um, and he was like, What? He didn't want that. He was not a not in a supportive place. And she was like, I'm going. And and she went for a week, and none of us were happy that she had gone, but we we didn't understand what was really happening. Um, and from that point forward, she set herself on a growth trajectory. And it wasn't like she went to the psychiatric hospital, she came back, bada bing, bada boom, she's an emotionally stable, emotionally mature parent. That is not what it was. I have memories past that point that took a lot of therapy to work through still. But she never stopped growing. And she's like that today. I mean, I like probably about a year ago, she was going through something, and I'm sitting with her, and she calls therapists her rent of friends, which is just very funny. She's very funny too. She's a wild one. She is a wild one. But she was she was going through something, she goes, It's time to give my rent a friend a call. And it was like, Yeah, yeah, it is. It is. You're in your stuff again, and you're swirling and your perceptual things are off and you need some help. Um, and so I had the benefit of that. I didn't have the benefit of growing up in a secure home. That isn't what I had, but I had the benefit of a parent who started doing their work and kept doing their work. And then modeled something different. Absolutely. It is why we have a good relationship. Like when my son was two, my mom was living across the country, and I was like, I need you closer. I want you closer. I want you around. And I think like had she never done all of that, I know the opposite would have been true. That it would have been like her going, Why won't you come be closer to me? And me being like, because I don't want to be around you, because you stayed stuck in your stuff, which is how she felt about her mom. And so, you know, I think that it's never too late. It's a gift to ourselves and our kids to go, all right, what have I not taken ownership over that I can take ownership over and become more free about, so that my kids can feel more regulated in my presence and so that I can enjoy my life more. I mean, this book is for your kids and it's not because when you heal, your life gets better as well as your relationship with your kids.

Jon @WholeParent 17:49

And you can't give your kids something that you haven't done yourself, which is what your mom was teaching you, right? Like had your mom just said, I want better for you, Eli, I want better for you, I want better for you, but I'm gonna stay stuck. That actually isn't health.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

Well, and she'll say, she'll say that the like kind of I don't know if the word linchpin is the right word, but like the the moment of turning towards those yellow pages. Tipping point, yeah. Tipping point. There you go, that's a much better metaphor. The tipping point of turning towards those yellow pages and getting into the hospital was she saw her mom stay in the situation she was in, which was with in with an abusive marriage, and complain about it and become bitter. And she was like, I don't want to be bitter like my mom. I want to, I want to change the situation. And she did. And it took her, it took her a while to leave the relationship with my dad. I love my dad, but he was never honestly, y'all. If if my dad would read this book, it would I would fall over dead of a heart attack. Like he doesn't read my books, he doesn't watch my stuff. He's like, I don't get what all that is that you do. Um he he does not do his work.

Jon @WholeParent 18:57

I'm pretty sure that my mom has never read any of my books. My dad is my dad is not on this earth. So they so he's read them. So he's so he's uh he's definitely not reading them. But uh my my yeah, I don't know that I but I think it's very hard too for for them, right? Of course.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

But my mom reads my books, my mom reads my stuff, and my mom gives me purity, she gives me because she but and I tell the I don't talk about my dad. Actually, I do talk my dad a little bit in this book, but I normally don't talk about my dad that much because I'm like he can't handle that. And and so it's like out of a an acceptance of that for him. Um, so maybe someday after he passes, I'll write about it. But I don't feel close to my dad like I feel to my mom. And I I don't know if I don't know if I could like put it down and say who hurt whose stuff harmed me worse. They both their stuff harmed me pretty significantly, but her ability to acknowledge it and forgive herself and keep growing and to always see the next stage as available to her. You know, it's like, well, I can be I can still work on this. She had to have a conversation with one of my sisters recently where she drew some boundaries and she like went to therapy, came back, drew some boundaries. Like, that's incredible. That's incredible. Yeah, she's still she's still growing, and and I have so much respect for that and I want to be that. And and I hear your note on like we don't have to be like perpetually consuming healing information in our lives. Um, you know, so if you're if you're listening and you're like, I've done my work and I feel really secure in myself, like you just don't need my book. That's cool. Well, I enjoy.

Jon @WholeParent 20:36

I think yeah, I think you can still have the book, and I think that you can still you can still look in there and go, like tomorrow anxiety might become a problem. Yeah. Like tomorrow, anger might become a problem. And that's why it stays on the shelf. Like this isn't one that you that you need to to you know read, read and and chuck, like go back to it. But yeah, but ultimately I think you're right. Let me take a quick, let's take a quick break, and then when we

Hardest Chapters And People Pleasing

Jon @WholeParent 21:00

come back, I have a good question for you. Hey, it's John. I hate to interrupt my own episode, but I have something really exciting to tell you about. I wrote a children's book, and it comes out in just a few short weeks. And this book is not like any other children's book that you've ever read. It's actually built to help you in those moments when your kids are having really big emotions and nothing that you're saying is working. It's called Set My Feelings Free. And if you've ever used one of my emotional regulation tools or games with your kids, then this book is literally written for you. It's basically just a ready-made appearant. Each part of the book walks through a really common moment that your kid probably already experiences. Things like having to share, or being afraid of the dark, or being frustrated when somebody knocks down the tower that you were just worried about. And then, buried inside the story, each child will use a simple and memorable. Science-backed regulation strategy to move through that feeling and come back to calm. Not by shutting down their feelings, not by ignoring their feelings, but by actually learning how to move through their feelings. And here's one of the many things that makes this book different and memorable. The whole book is set to the tune of twinkle, twinkle, little star. Because when your child is dysregulated, we know that they're not really in a place to process language. But rhythm and music can actually cut through their dysregulation, and so they can use these tools where normal tools don't work. So instead of trying to teach the tool in the middle of a meltdown, you're giving them something familiar that their brain already knows how to access. And if singing is just not your thing, you can totally just read it like a normal book too, but I recommend trying to sing it first. There's also a page in the back for you. Parents, caregivers, grandparents, whatever, that breaks down exactly the neuroscience behind each of the five tools so that you can understand not only what they are, but also why and how they work. And one more thing. This book was illustrated by Mikhail, who is already in her. And this is her first published children. She poured her partner's token in every single page for real and meaningful and something that we actually want to do. So if you want something that doesn't just entertain you take event time, but actually helps them build the skills of handling their big emotions, check out Set My Feelings Free. The link to pre-order or order is already in the show notes. I'm back here with Eli talking about her book, How to Deal with Your Stuff so that your kids don't have to, but it's actually a book all about how to deal with individual chat. Like every chapter is an individual emotion or stru struggle or trial for parents. And uh I my my next question to you, it's like something I've been wanting to ask you for a long time. What was the hardest chapter to write for you?

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Hardest meaning that it was the hardest for me to f emotionally or the hardest for me to actually just find the words because it's a complex thing to write about.

Jon @WholeParent 24:18

However, you want to take that question.

SPEAKER_02 24:24

I think, well, okay, so emotionally, I think the hardest chapter for me to write was the people pleasing chapter. Um, because I made some bold choices to talk about some people that have hurt me in my life. And it is scary to do as an author. You're like, and I didn't name names. It wasn't like, and this person's name is and you can find their address here. But you know, there's just a little bit of like uh telling the truth about the harm that you've received from people is uh I don't know, it doesn't feel great. So that one was hard to write for that reason.

Jon @WholeParent 24:58

Um, because sometimes you struggle with people, please.

SPEAKER_02 25:01

Right. I mean, I'm a female, I grew up being conditioned to believe that the gift I bring people is making them feel comfortable around me, right? And so that like early gender conditioning, I think, is in most women, um, most females. But the long-term trauma stuff in my family led me to feel responsible for things I wasn't responsible for. I call it responsibility dysmorphia. I mentioned that in the book. You know, my sense of what is mine and what, you know, whether it should I, is should I, should I? The answer is almost always yes. I should, I should, I probably should, I should, I should, I should. Um, so it has taken me a long time to get that. So, yes, people pleasing is probably the most challenging in that way. Um intellectually, uh, the chapter on how to deal with feeling traumatized, I basically was like, how do I write, how do we take and reduce these thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pages and information on trauma and all of my years of working with trauma and put it into what will actually help someone who's feeling traumatized. Um, so that one I spent a lot of time on because I wanted it to, I wanted it to hit clear and fast around a topic that is incredibly nuanced and so many people have experiences around it. So that one I think I spent maybe the most amount of time on being like, how do I make this make sense? And use metaphors and ideas that really hit home with people so they know, okay, this is what I do next.

Defining Trauma And How It Heals

Jon @WholeParent 26:32

When you say traumatized, I mean I think a lot of people have different like that's not trauma, that's not trauma. How do you define that in the book? Are we talking capital T, like assaults and you know, PTSD and witnessing war crimes, or are we talking like hey, there's there's trauma around every corner?

SPEAKER_02 26:53

Well, I define trauma as any experience that creates a significant threat to your safety, to your belonging, or to your sense of dignity. And I think this is really important because it's about what does the experience cultivate in your nervous system? One person's trauma is not another person's trauma. You know, the the you can be in a situation and experience something and feel like that wasn't traumatizing for me. And another person can be in that exact same situation and it activates significant trauma. And so that's about our histories, our identities, you know, the privileges we hold and don't hold in the world. So to me, it's less about like, well, is X a trauma or not? And more about the context of a person in a situation. Um, in that, in the chapter, what I really talk about is, you know, you're in you're in a situation and it's activating your body's fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn response. Right. And so their trauma is divided up into three things. So there is the experience, the actual thing happening. Then there is the the biological response your body has to that thing. And then there is the narrative or the story that gets formed around those two things. And so PTSD, um, you know, I have training in what's called CPT cognitive processing therapy, but uh, that's where I get some of these ideas around this. Um, I'm also trained in EMDR. I have lots of different trauma training, but CPT looks at the the event, the impact, and the story. And so, you know, I think that's what I wanted to reduce it down for people is that trauma is not just the thing that happened. It's the thing that happened, then the things that happen inside of you, then the story that gets formed inside of you. And healing trauma is about being able to shift that story, release those sensations, and and reclaim your sense of your dignity, your sense of your belonging, your sense of your safety. So, you know, that was that that was a that was a bit of a chapter to write to be like, how do I do this in four to six pages?

Jon @WholeParent 29:02

Yeah. One of the quotes that I have in my book, Punishment Free Parenting, from Gabor Matei, who who I have a complicated relationship with depending on what he's talking about.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

Oh, yeah, no, no, we could we could do a whole episode on on uh um sometimes he talks about things that are out of his realm of competency.

Jon @WholeParent 29:19

Right. And sometimes he talks about things that are like he's uniquely gifted to talk about in ways that no one else is, right? Like his his if you ever want to hear somebody who really can talk well about uh Israel-Palestine. He does well, he does that well. Like he he is a Holocaust survivor, right, and a trauma therapist. Like the key guy in many ways to talk about that, but but he has a quote that I think uh kind of perfectly encapsulates what you're saying um that that I wrote in my book, which is trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside of you as a result of what happens to you. And I think I think that I think that kind of highlights that. Totally.

The One Takeaway For Parents

Jon @WholeParent 30:02

With the four minutes that we have remaining, if if people like if you have a hope for the book, what is the one thing? Like, if people heard this one thing, what do you want them to know? Like whether it is to uh to encourage them to read the book, or if they read the book, what is that one thing where you're like you know, this it all comes down to this, this one thing, what is it?

SPEAKER_02 30:25

You are capable of learning how to maturely tolerate what you feel, respond to what you feel, and give your kids the experience of a regulated parent. You can do this.

Jon @WholeParent 30:38

You are capable. You are capable, you are capable, but we need the tools, and that's why you wrote the encyclopedia, I think is what what what you have on the title, right?

SPEAKER_02 30:48

It's an encyclopedia of offering for ditching your emotional baggage.

Jon @WholeParent 30:53

For ditching your emotional baggage. Uh Eli, thank you so much for being on the podcast. We have to have you come back and talk more about your

Live Event Plug And Book Links

Jon @WholeParent 31:01

therapy work. We have to have you come back and talk about attachment. Obviously, we're gonna do a live event on May 21st together in the Chicago land area. If you're not on my email list yet, I will send out an email about that to all of the people uh across across the globe. But I'm I might limit it to people in the United States. Occasionally I will limit it to, you know, like within a hundred miles of me or something. The email server can do that, okay. But uh, we're gonna do an event on May 21st where you can come and hear from Eli at local in the Chicagoland area. We don't know where it's gonna be yet, but um your book comes out. Your book is already out when this has been released. Your book is already out. So go right now to the show notes below, find that link for how to deal with your stuff so that your kids don't have to. This is an excellent book. I highly recommend listening to it on Audible. Eli is a fantastic reader. You don't even have to put it on two times speed because it's just such a joy to listen to you talk about your thing. Thank you. Eli we can find you at attachment nerd everywhere, and what's your website again?

SPEAKER_02 32:03

Attachmentnerd.com.

Jon @WholeParent 32:05

Attachmentnerd.com. You are my favorite attachment person, and so I am so grateful that you are willing to be on the podcast that you wrote such an amazing book, and a book that is already impacting me. I can't wait to dig more into it. I've only had it for a couple of days, but I will uh I'm gonna I'm gonna dig through this thing. I know that I've had the digital for a while, but I'm not sure. Yeah, but that's different. Doesn't count. I unfortunately just did like the quick skim of that one. I'm I love the physical book, it actually feels like such a good book.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

Isn't it good?

Jon @WholeParent 32:34

No offense to your first book. No, no, no. Like having the hardcover, like the physical feel, like it feels like a book that you want to have. It's not super heavy, like something that you can take around with you, but but yeah, I I absolutely love it. I love you.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

I love you too much for being on the friend.

Jon @WholeParent 32:50

And we will uh we'll catch you next time.

SPEAKER_01 32:52

Okay.

Jon @WholeParent 32:59

Thank you for

Rate, Review, Share, And Subscribe

Jon @WholeParent 33:00

your time listening to the whole parent podcast today. I hope you got something out of it. I have a couple quick favors to ask of you as we end the episode. The first one is to jump over on whatever podcast platform that you are listening to right now and rate this show five stars. You'll notice there are a lot of five-star ratings on this show, whether that's on Spotify or Apple Music or Apple Podcasts. We have a ton of five-star ratings and it helps our podcast get out to more people than almost any other parenting podcast out there. And so it's a really quick thing that you can do if you have 15 or 20 seconds, and if you have an additional 30 seconds, I'd love to read a review from you. I read all the reviews that come through. If some of you particularly like one part of the podcast or you like when I talk about something or whatever, imagine that you're writing that review directly to me. The second thing that you can do is go and send this episode to somebody in your life who you think could use it. Think about all the parents in your life. Think about your friends, your family members who could use a little bit of help parenting. It's vulnerable to share an episode of a parenting podcast with them. I get it. But imagine how much better your life is as a result of listening to this podcast, of following me on social media, of getting the emails that I send out. You can share that with someone else too. And so I encourage you, just go over, shoot them a quick text, share this episode with them, or share another episode that you feel like is particularly relevant to them. The last thing you can do is go down to the link show notes at the bottom, and like I said in the mid-roll, you can subscribe on Substack. It's $5 a month or $50 a year. Uh I don't have that many people doing it, and yet the people who are doing it have made this possible. And so if you like this episode, if you like all of the episodes, if you want them to continue, the only way that I can keep making them is through donor support, free will donations to the podcast. Please, please, please, please, as you're thinking about the end of this year, as you're thinking about your charitable giving. I know I'm not a 501c3. You can't write it off on your taxes, but if you'd like to give me a little gift to just say thank you for what you've done this year, the best way to do that is over on Substack. Again, $5 a month, $50 a year. It's not gonna break the bank. It's probably less than you spend on coffee every week. Definitely less than you spend on coffee every week. Maybe uh less than you spend on almost anything, right? Five bucks a month is very, very small, but it goes a long way when it's multiplied by all of the different people who listen to the podcast and sending that over to me. I get all of that money. It's just my way of being able to produce the podcast, spend money on equipment, spend money on subscription fees, hosting fees for the podcast, all of that stuff. Email server fees, all that. So if you're willing to do that, I would love it. Thank you so much for listening to this episode, and I'll see you next time.