Risky Play Might Save Your Kid #81

When to step in vs. hold back, so you don’t accidentally raise a more anxious, less capable kid

If your toddler is constantly climbing, jumping, or doing things that make your heart race, this video will help you understand what’s actually happening and what to do about it. We’re talking about risky play: why kids need it, how it builds real confidence (not just reassurance), and how overprotecting, often without realizing it, can lead to more anxiety, hesitation, and power struggles. If you’ve ever said “be careful” on repeat, worried about injuries, or felt judged at the playground, this will give you a clearer, calmer way forward.

What You’ll Learn:

•  The difference between real danger and healthy risk (and why it matters) 
•  Why risky play actually reduces anxiety and builds better judgment over time 
•  What’s happening in your child’s brain when they climb, fall, and try again 
•  5 simple, practical ways to support risky play without feeling reckless 
•  How to stop interrupting learning in those high-stress parenting moments 

This approach is grounded in developmental psychology and neuroscience, but translated into what actually works in real life, when your kid is halfway up the playground and your instinct is screaming to intervene. The goal isn’t to step back completely, it’s to step back intentionally, so you can raise a child who trusts themselves, not just relies on you to keep them safe.

If you’re tired of second-guessing every decision at the park or at home, and you want to feel more confident knowing when to step in and when to let growth happen, this is exactly the kind of support that will make parenting feel lighter and clearer over time.

Transcript

Why Risky Play Matters

Jon @WholeParent 0:00

Your child does not need you to stop the fall. They need you to trust that they can get back up. And I know that that's really hard to hear because it's your instinct, my instinct, to keep my kids safe. But today we're talking about why risky play is so important, the research behind it, and what happens when we accidentally overprotect our kids without even realizing it. Let's get into it. I'm also a data four, which means that I actually see what works day to day and what just sounds good on paper. And I've found that there's a massive gap in parenting advice. On one side, you've got the research, the brain development, the behavioral science, attachment, and all of that is incredibly valuable. But it can feel abstract, hard to apply, and disconnected from what's actually happening in the moment in your home when your kid is melting down or just completely ignoring you. And then on the other side, you've got these everyday parenting tips, scripts, quick fixes, maybe that you saw on social media. And some of that works for a moment, but a lot of it falls apart when things get intense. Or it just doesn't hold up across different situations. This podcast is designed to fill that gap. We're taking the science and we're translating it into something that you can actually use. Today I want to talk about something that I think makes almost every modern parent a little bit uncomfortable. And honestly, it probably should because it runs straight into one of the deepest instincts that all of us have, which is to keep your child safe. Sometimes at all costs. I had this moment not that long ago where one of my kids was climbing something that, if I'm honest, I did not really want him to be climbing. Not like obviously insane, not hanging off the side of a parking garage or something, not like call the fire department, but just one of the like normal things that kids kind of get into, and it just makes your whole body like tighten up and flood up with adrenaline. And as he's going up and he's getting higher than I sort of expected that he was going to go, he's kind of a sensitive kid. I didn't really think that he was going to do what he was doing. His footing got a little bit awkward, and I could see that he was trying to decide, like actively in the moment, whether he could make that next move. And I felt this immediate surge that every parent I think has experienced to say something, right? To fix it before something bad happened. And I could feel the words like rising up in my throat, like, be careful, get down. Oh, that's too high. But I stopped for just a second and I watched him. And don't get me wrong, like it was not in some sort of like enlightened Zen parenting moment way. I was extremely not relaxed in that moment, but I watched, and what I saw was actually kind of incredible. So he's up on this piece of playground equipment, but he's not climbing, you know, on the inside of it. He's on the outside, and he's shifting his weight and like testing, can I go around this corner? And so he's like testing one foothold, he pulls it back, and then he like tries to do it a different way, like he switches his arm around and he looks down and he's like, I don't know if that's good. So he adjusts. And then all of a sudden, you could see kind of this resolve in his body, like his shoulders like kind of tensed up, like he was like going to make the move, and then he makes the move, like he just goes all of a sudden, just like goes around the side. And when he got down, he had this look on his face that I think everybody has seen on their kids. Like it's not just excitement, like it's thrill, and it's not just pride, it's like I it's just like just confidence. Like it was like I did that, I figured it out. And I remember thinking in that moment, like, man, if I did not know what I know, what I'm talking about in this episode, like if I had not written this section of my book, Punishment for Reparenting, and I like if I had been the parent that I was before I started learning this stuff, I would have totally interrupted. And if I had interrupted that like just two seconds earlier, I probably would have walked away from that situation feeling like a pretty good parent. But I would have actually robbed him of that moment. Like I would have taken something away from him. And that is like the really hard part because so much of what actually is overprotection feels like just safety and love in the moment. It feels like what parents, or I guess I should say good parents, are supposed to do, right? Like you see your child moving toward discomfort and uncertainty and like this physical challenge, and every part of you wants to step in and kind of smooth the road, like go ahead of them and make sure that like there's there's nothing there that's gonna like really trip them up too bad. And just to kind of like shorten the fall or like lower the branch or say the warning so that they pull back before it's too late. And sometimes, obviously, you like you should do that, like if it's really dangerous, like, but that's not what we're gonna talk about in this episode. This is not me saying, like, let your kid do some reckless thing that they're gonna get themselves killed. This is me saying, um, we need to learn to know when it's genuine danger and not ignore that, but also know when it's not like severe lifelong harm. And this is one of those, like one of those things that often feels to me like it's this like weird parenting take. In fact, when I was writing my book, this is an interesting side note, this is the part of my book that got a ton, I mean, a lot of my book got a lot of pushback from my editor. My editor, it was that's a whole story on its own. I should probably do like a whole podcast interview about that. But um, my editor pushed back on this and he was like, I don't, I don't know if you're allowed to say what you're like what you're saying about risky play. And I and he was like, Is this just some weird internet thing? Right? Like where you where you're just like, you know, don't say good job to your kids or something. Like, like is this just like some like fad that you're gonna put in this book and then you're gonna like have this stuck to you for the rest of your life? And he was pushing back and pushing back, and then right before my very, very final draft of the book was due, and I'm still getting pushback, like you need more research, more research, and we'll get to it. Like, there's so much research. Harvard has done so many studies on this, uh longitudinal studies about danger and risky play, and like there's so many other places like where we can see this come out, but um, he's looking at that, and and all this research is coming out, and I'm trying to show all this research. He's like, But give me more, give me more. And then finally, uh, right before the final draft is due, a book was published, which now is a huge success, but literally was published less than 48 hours before my final draft was due. And it was by Jonathan Height, who it was the book The Anxious Generation. It seems like kind of an old book now, but like that just gives you a sense of like when I was writing my book. And I was able to point to that book where he talks about this and say, look, here it is, like right here. And it was still kind of like, well, it's just gonna be in this book. And then that book went on to be on the New York Times bestseller list for like, I don't know, like a hundred weeks straight or something. So uh turned out that it was good advice. But uh, this is all to say, this is not like some weird internet parenting take where the answer is just like back off and just like let this become Lord of the Flies because like child led, whatever. Although obviously there's a time and a place for that. Um, this is not what we're doing here in this episode. What I want to talk about today is it's really actually kind of specific. It's the benefits of risky play, which is manageable real-world risk that helps kids to build confidence and judgment. This is the kind of play when they're high enough to feel a little bit of adrenaline, uh, fast enough that they have to focus, unsteady enough that they have to adjust, far enough away from you that they have to rely at least a little bit on themselves. And yes, this is the type of play where there is some risk, is why it's called risky play, of injury. Not lifelong injury, but you know, even a broken bone. And the reason this is important is because the brain does not learn safety through avoidance. It learns safety through doing, through trial and error, through these tiny like internal calculations that your child can only make when they're actually in that situation. And I think that that matters actually way more now than it ever has before, because we are raising kids in a culture that has confused safety with the elimination of all discomfort. And it's actually costing our kids. Because if a kid never gets to test their limits, then they never learn where the edges of those limits are. And if they never learn where the limits are, then the world actually stops feeling safe at all. It feels uncertain because like they don't know where the limits are, right? So, like, think about, for example, just how like a kid would learn how to balance, right? It's not, you don't learn how to balance by like sitting on a chair or standing perfectly still. You learn how to balance by wobbling, like leaning too far one way and then correcting and maybe overcorrecting and almost falling and then catching yourself, and then you try again and again. And I watch my kids do this in Taekwondo. Like we were at Taekwondo tonight, and my kids are holding, standing on one leg as they're like practicing their roundhouse kicks, and like the instability is there, but I'm also watching it get better. The instability like is in that's that's the learning taking place. Like the fact that they're wobbling is why they're learning. And when we remove that, when we try to make everything sort of perfectly like safe for kids, we don't create better balance. We create kids who have never practiced doing like risky things at all. And this is a really important distinction because a lot of us unconsciously assume that the risk, the least amount of risk for a child, like the less risk that they experience, the more secure that ultimately they're going to feel. But actually, it's the opposite, and this is where we get into the research, right? When we don't give our kids enough chances to climb and jump and balance and wrestle and roughhouse and roam and build and fall and recover and try again and again and again, they actually wind up lacking confidence because they're less sure of themselves. They're less accurate or less practiced in their own judgment, they're less connected to their own bodies, they're less practiced at reading danger. And so often it leads, paradoxically, like the kids who don't experience any healthy, risky play wind up being more anxious. Like, confidence is not something that you can hand a child because you're like reassuring them, like, oh, you've got this. Confidence actually grows out of competence. We talk so much about wanting our kids to be self-confident and like be able to stand up for themselves. We want them to trust themselves and speak up and try new things and handle adversity and not fall apart the second life feels hard. But how many of us are willing to admit that those traits do not come from the constant protectionism that we're so used to? Like, I think this goes if I'm gonna be honest here, like this topic goes something at something really deep in parents. Because a lot of us, when our kid is taking physical risks, it doesn't just scare us because something might happen to them, it actually triggers our own anxiety, our own relationship danger and pain and control. For some of us, it winds up being hard because when we got hurt, like our nervous system got overwhelmed because there wasn't somebody there for us. And so now it treats any challenge as a threat. And like also at the same time, let's be real, a lot of the risky play happens in very public environments. Like this stuff isn't happening in your backyard. Like I said, my son was at the park, and so like honestly, the thing that I'm often most nervous about, and again, I talked about this in the book, is like how other parents are gonna judge me. Like, it feels like this public performance, and if your kid gets hurt, like even in the way in which a kid should get hurt at the park, somehow you fail you failed this like invisible test, and everybody's looking at you and being like, You're a terrible parent. Like, we think like if I let them do this and something happens, like I'm bad. And I think that this is such like a real thing that people experience. Um, because I don't and I don't want to talk about this in like some sort of a detached academic way that ignores that visceral fear that happens in us. Like it is very embodied when our kid is climbing too high, like you feel it, like your heart starts racing, like your palms get sweaty. Um, or when they're like just like get going off. Like I remember the first time I let one of my kids like go off in the grocery store to grab something, and they like they were literally in the next aisle over, but like I just couldn't see them anymore. Or like the first time I went for like a bike ride with my kid and he like got too far ahead of me, right? And like every single time your body just reacts to those, and of course it does, like because you love them and you like one of the hardest things in parenting is realizing that your job is not to remove every possible opportunity for pain, because actually those are the places where they're gonna gain again the competence that leads to confidence. Your job is to help them become the kind of person who can meet the world where it is, and the world is not gentle. This is why I don't like the term gentle parenting, even though like I kind of ascribe to most of the things that most people call gentle parenting, because I don't think the world is gentle. And I think if we're trying to protect our kids constantly from the world, like I'll put it this way the world is not predictable, it's not always safe in the way that we wish that the world was. So if our entire strategy is just like, let's keep our kids away from all challenges indefinitely, right, until they're out of our house, we often wind up delaying the developmental experience that would have actually made them more capable and prepared for that bigger thing down the road. This is what I talk about in I have a course that I sell not very often, but it's part of like I do a workshop and then a course, it's called the whole parent method course. And one of the things that I talk about in the uh boundaries module, there's like a module or a lesson inside module one about boundaries, is this idea that like if a kid at three is allowed to fall off like an age appropriate level little climbing apparatus at the park, they might get hurt. But if that same kid, that same kid will learn how to climb better, they'll learn, they'll gain confidence, they'll learn that like falling is not the end of the world, but it's also not nothing, like there's stakes, then at six they'll be able to climb higher, and then at 12, they'll be able to climb higher. If if that kid never is allowed any freedom until they're 16, then the first time that they do something risky is like life or death. And I think that's kind of the thesis of everything that I'm trying to say here is that when we overprotect kids from manageable risks when they're young, we actually don't make them safer in the long run. We make them less prepared. So uh I want to take a break here, and then I want to get into like the neuroscience, what's going on during risky play, and how that's relevant to our conversation. So here's what's happening to your kid's brain during risky play. So your kid, let's say they're gonna approach something, we'll do the climbing example, right? They're gonna climb this thing. So they're walking up to it. Their brain is doing this constant loop. It doesn't have to be climbing, right? It could be rough housing, balancing, whatever, right? And they're saying this loop is going, can I do this? Can I do this? What will happen if I try to do this? And then as they're doing it, like, am I doing this? And then when they're done doing it, did that go how I expected it to? And then it actually updates the loop, right? So the next time that prediction and then the action, the feedback, and the adjustment, like is how the brain calibrates their reality. So it's how they that's a really fancy term. It's how they learn, right? How high is too high, how fast is too fast, where is the limit of what's scary versus like actually dangerous? And they don't build an accurate map without real data. And the data is not just you telling them, the data comes from experience. And this is where all of that research that I've said, right, on risky play comes in. Harvard and there's like a there's sans setter, I think, and Brussoni, and like like I'm just trying to think of these ones that are they're in the book. If you look at these in the book uh and other things that I've written about risky play, you can find the citations. I'll try and think of them and maybe put them in the episode notes. But uh, what they find is that consistently when kids engage in what they call risky play, which is again heights, speeds, rough and tumble, like rough houseing, exploration, balancing on high things, whatever. Uh, a few things happen. Number one, they develop, this makes perfect sense, like they develop better risk assessment. So they actually have fewer injuries over the long haul and less severe injuries. Um, and then, and if that wasn't enough, this is the real kicker with anxiety and depression at an all-time high, they show lower levels of anxiety later on because they test the edge and the know they know what the edge is and they know the real consequences of the edge. But if the edge stays unknown, like everything feels way more dangerous. So the kid who feels like, I don't know if I can overcome anything, I don't know if I can overcome this or that or the other, then like something that's very overcomable presents itself and they don't know if they can because they haven't had those risky play places. And play is where kids work this stuff out. Like, I I guess I could do a whole episode on this, but play is how kids learn, like fundamentally. I think we lose this because we when we think about learning with kids, oftentimes we think about oftentimes we think about school and we think about academics. Um, research has showed us consistently for the last five decades that play is actually where kids learn the best. So, and it's where they learn like social skills, and it's where they learn again, this is like threat assessment and confidence and things like that. So, like a kid who doesn't do that winds up overestimating the threat, and they fill in the blanks with the worst case scenario things. And so that's where you start to see like what is hesitation, which is normal for kids, like let your kids hesitate. Don't like push them off the diving board, right? Let them hesitate. But if if you don't, if you're constantly pulling them back, it winds up turning into avoidance, and eventually avoidance of anything challenging becomes anxiety, and the world just feels too dangerous for that child, or at that point, usually that teen, because they never got enough accurate data to understand the world that they live in. So risky play is how their brain learns that this is manageable uh versus this is not, and if I get hurt, that's okay. Like I'll get up, and this feels scary, but I can do it, and this is where I should stop, or this is where I should keep going. And without that constant loop and calibration, everything just winds up getting lumped into one category, which is unsafe, right? So, this is what's really interesting is that kids who actually seek this out, they they will actually do this naturally. This is from a book called uh Learn Free to Learn by Peter Gray. Talks about that you don't have to actually teach a child to play chase or climb higher or run faster or jump further. That the drive to do those things is actually inbuilt. Like it's it's evolutionary. Why did I say it that way? It's evolutionary, and it makes kind of perfect sense because young humans need to learn their physical limits before they're fully grown. Because, again, young humans heal faster, they're they kind of bounce, like they're they're more resilient, and and the things that they're getting into are just not as severe, usually, right? The problem is in our modern environments, the instinct is to constantly override them going faster or climbing higher, and we're just constantly be careful, be careful, that's too high, that's too high, you're gonna hurt yourself, blah blah blah blah blah. But and it's before they actually ever get a chance to do what my son was doing, which is actually try the hard thing. And over time, the messages don't just wind up guiding behavior. This is the important part. Like, if it was just about behavior, it'd be one thing, but it's the problem is that the behavior winds up shaping that their perception of the world, and they start outsourcing their sense of safety to everybody else. Like, am I safe? instead of building it internally. Oh, I am safe. And this is where it becomes like we can all start becoming more intentional as parents by choosing like, is this a place where I want to step in? And why? Because there's a big difference between the child who needs protection and just a child who needs space. One is about preventing harm. Again, I'm not saying that you like let your kid go off and drive your car at nine years old or something, but the other is about growth, right? I think you should let your nine year old play in your front yard and climb trees. And I think that these two things, like It sh it's almost can feel like what we're really doing is protecting when what we're really doing is smothering. Like they can almost look identical, which is why it can feel hard. But if you stop asking yourself, is this safe? and start saying, like, is there a chance for them to learn something in this that they're probably not gonna learn any other way? I think that's a good place to start. And and if you are still asking, like, obviously, there's there's things that they can learn. Oh, you can't learn any other way how to skydive other than doing it, right? Uh probably not gonna let my nine-year-old skydive without a parachute or something. Uh, but you're something that he might want to learn. Well, yeah, you do still need to have judgment. But your judgment should not be like, are they going to be introduced? Are they going to be like permanently maimed or or dead? And if the answer is no, like I think you should pause in those moments and watch yourself before you jump in. Just give them a second longer than feels comfortable. And what you're gonna start to see is that they're actually like whether they're really in over their head and they're like, please help me, or they're just in the middle of figuring it out. And that was the moment for my son. Like, I like I was like, are you figuring this out or are you are you overwhelmed? And I had to separate danger from discomfort because it was making me uncomfortable, but it wasn't actually really dangerous. And when you begin to trust that your role is not to control every single outcome, but rather to create environments and boundaries where learning can happen, like with extreme, not extreme safety, but like relative safety, like safe enough, then you realize that like you're actually aiding this process. But if you keep stepping in too early, you don't just wind up stopping their fall. You stop the learning that comes right before their fall. So uh I want to take one more break and then I want to go over five practical ways that you can do this, like, in your life right now. Alright, five practical tips that how this actually looks in practice. Um first stop, take a 15-second pause. It's funny, I like am pausing here thinking about taking a pause. My blo my brain is clutching. Before you say anything, just take depending on the degree of day danger, five, ten, or fifteen seconds. Just wait. Watch what they do. Most of the time your kid isn't gonna like run, I mean, this is not all kids, but most of your time your kids aren't gonna run headlong into something that like if you wait five seconds, it's like catastrophic. They're running towards like a busy street, that's one thing. But most of the time, they're already adjusting and already problem solving by the time that the the pause ends. And the pause will be the difference between interrupting the learning and letting the learning happen. So uh that's that's number one. Number two, remove hazards, but not risk. So there's a difference between a risk and a hazard. A risk is something that a child can see and feel and navigate, like again, climbing X amount high or going that fast on their bike or whatever, balance, whatever. Hazards are hidden dangers. Okay, so like hazards are like a loose board or like broken glass in your backyard or something unstable that like they're never going to be able to predict is unstable. Your job is not to remove all the challenges, it's to remove things that your brain has learned are invisible dangers so that the challenge becomes a learning opportunity and not just like a pitfall, a trap. So remove hazards, don't remove uh danger, all danger. Number three, replace be careful with observation, right? Like this is a kind of a silly one, but uh I love this one. So instead of saying be careful, say like, hey, you're figuring that out, or that's a tricky spot. Or you can even like ask in the form of a question, right? You can ask, like, hey, how do you feel up there? What's your plan after this? You think that's a good spot for your foot? It actually, here's the thing about be careful, it actually distracts them. If you say, is that a good spot for your spot? Like, if you can't keep your mouth shut and you just need to say something, you at least keep their attention focused on what they're doing. Like you keep them in the process, and maybe you're helping them to think through that and build their own internal voice. But um, I think I think that like that simple shift away from like this, be careful, be careful, be careful, which usually just becomes like an annoying thing in the back of their mind that they don't listen to, and then you think, oh, well, they're not listening to me. So I if they're not listening to me when I say be careful, then I can't let them go any higher because what if they actually get dangerous, right? Like, be careful is like one of the least things that you need to say. I'll put it that way. Okay, number four, I think we're on four. You stop um stop stopping, just start spotting, right? So the thing that I like to do is I stay just close enough that I can step in if necessary, when my kid's doing something really like that's pushing my comfort zone. So instead of like grabbing my kid and being like, stop that, I'll just kind of stand below them. And this is, I think this one's most important for kids who are really little, like two-year-olds, three-year-olds. By the time your kid's four or five, well, I should say like six or seven, well, six, seven. I'm I can't believe I just said that out loud. By the time your kid is seven or eight, they're gonna be doing things where spotting is gonna get tricky, probably, unless they like tell you ahead of time. But for sure, for like a little kid, because I know a lot of you guys have toddlers, like when my now 18-month-old is climbing up like playground equipment, I'm below her to catch her if she gets too high. But if she's climbing up like one or two steps and she falls on her butt, like that's okay. That's actually not bad. Um, the key here is like don't step in early, right? Don't step in before you're needed. It's you're you're you're there in case something goes wrong, um, but you're not there to make sure that nothing happens, right? And this kind of let lends me to the last one, which is you you gotta stop sweating the small stuff. Like let the small bumps and bruises happen. Minor slips, they miss the jump, they land awkwardly and twist their ankle. Like, these are not real problems. It's sad when it happens, but they're not like life-consuming problems. They're actually data that your kid is taking in. And as long as the risk that they're engaging in is manageable, it's actually exactly how they're learning in those moments where that edge is. And it's and it's not by always doing things well that they gain confidence. It's it's by knowing that even when things go poorly, they can still overcome. So, like, oh, I twisted my ankle, but I got back up and I did it again. Or I I fell, but like the next time we went to the park, then I tried again, right? I think that's so valuable. So, so valuable. Letting your kid do hard things, like I lock in with me here. Watching them wobble and hesitate and almost fall. I'm I'm with you. Everything in me wants to rush into, and sometimes you're going to, because you're human, but the goal is to try and notice in yourself in that moment that urge to step in is actually more about you than about them. Like your fear, your discomfort, your need for control. That's what I tell myself, and sometimes that's all I need to let them continue anyway. I hope that that helps today. Thank you for your time listening to the whole parent podcast today. I hope you got something out of it. I have a couple quick favors to ask of you as we end the episode. The first one is to jump over on whatever podcast platform that you are listening to right now and rate this show five stars. You'll notice there are a lot of five-star ratings on this show, whether that's on Spotify or Apple Music or Apple Podcasts. We have a ton of five-star ratings and it helps our podcast get out to more people than almost any other parenting podcast out there. And so it's a really quick thing that you can do if you have 15 or 20 seconds. And if you have an additional 30 seconds, I'd love to read a review from you. I read all the reviews that come through. 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